Reflection ~ One Month Old

I can’t believe Sophia is one month old today.  We no doubt have had an emotional couple of weeks but I must say that this little baby girl makes me happier than I have ever been.  She makes me understand how powerful love and family truly our and I just feel very blessed to be her Mom. 

She is such a happy girl and can spend hours just staring at you.  She loves her swinging chair and will watch the stars and moons glow and twirl.  She has a love/hate relationship with her binky.  She still loves to have her hands free and most of the time they are by her face or she is trying to put them in her mouth!  When she is awake she will stretch her hands and feet constantly.  She is always moving.  She likes bath time, rides in the car and walks around the block with Corona and me.  Honestly, there is not much she doesn’t like.  She is a very good baby! She is now eating 2.5 ounces of formula every 2-3 hours and is taking to it pretty well other than she is quite gassy!  Like father like daughter I guess!

Mommy’s favorite time:  When she is just about to fall a sleep and she makes a huge ear-to-ear smile that just melts my heart.

Daddy’s favorite time: When he has alone time with her at night when Mommy tries to sleep.

Here are some photos of Sophia capturing the first month of her life:

~ Best day of my life ~

First smile caught on camera at 3:30am

Watching her first Red Sox Game with Aunty Chrissy

First time visiting her sister Alexa

Asking Uncle Mikey to be her Godfather

Asking Aunty Heather to be her Godmother

First time in her crib

Photo-shoot time

First time sucking my thumb

First car ride to the doctors

Photo-Shoot Time

First tubby

Memorial for our angel Alexa Lee

Today marks 3 weeks since the burial of Alexa.  The ceremony was held at Agawam cemetary with close family and friends and it makes me feel good knowing that our angel is buried right next to my Grandmother and my little sister Chloe and that she is not alone.  I was overwhelmed by everyone that attended and I am thankful to everyone for being there for us and to say their goodbye's to Alexa.  I know how difficult it was on everyone.  You have all been a part of this long journey and I appreciate all of the support.  I am very happy that we have a place to visit when we want to say hello and that there is a place to bring Sophia to see her sister.  I already talk to Sophia about Alexa and I always will. 

Bill, Sophia and I attended the 13th Annual Butterfly Release 2 weeks ago in New Bedford at Fort Tabor.  The Infant loss support group from St. Lukes puts it on each year.  We all gather at the community center and we are able to write a note to Alexa.  The organizer than will read everyone's letter off and then when she is finished we all release a butterfly.  Alexa's butterfly stayed around for a while before flying away.  Even when it flew away it stayed near us for a little while.  This was such a special event for Bill, Sophia and I to attend together.  It is great to have a day to celebrate our Angel as a family and I look forward to doing it every year.

I am still trying to find ways to deal with my grief.  Everyone keeps saying that it will get easier but it really has not yet for me.  I am so grateful and blessed for Sophia and I treasure every moment we have but that doesn't make up for the void I have in my heart.  I think about Alexa everyday and I miss her so much.  I am dealing with all the same emotions that I had after I received the news of her diagnosis and after we found out that she had passed all over again.  I am sad, then angry, then depressed.  I want my daughter to be here right by Sophia’s side.  I want to be feeding them both, changing them and giving them baths together.  I know that this must be a normal part of the grieving process or at-least I hope it is.  I have thought of attending the Infant loss support group at St. Lukes but I was told by a friend of mine that it would be best to join a Twin loss support group instead so I think that at this stage I may need to attend a group session.  I think it may be good for me.  Here are some pictures of the Annual Butterfly Release:

Our butterfly that didn't want to leave us!

~ Daddy and Sophia ~

~ Mommy and Sophia ~

Shirts will all of the children's names on the back.

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