Reflection ~ Five Months Old

We have been experiencing Sophia's first "stage" as they say...  She does not like to go to sleep in her crib at night.  The day she turned 4 months to this very night she will fall asleep in your arms but as soon as you put her down in her crib she wakes up in a fit.  Then you can pick her up and within seconds she is sound a sleep again.  Try to put her down and she cries!  This can go on up to 2 hours a night!  ahhhh. lol Thankfully when she finally goes down, she does sleep through the night until 6:30/7:00am. 

This month we got Sophia's ears pierced.  Daddy did not want to go so Aunty Heather and Joshua came with us.  She did cry but she was okay after a couple of seconds.  The lady was really nice and she pierced them even which I was happy about seeing that I have crooked piercings all of my life.  We got her little diamonds and I love them!  She looks even more beautiful! 

Sophia loves to interact with people, watch tv, play on her play-mat and in her jumper.  She also recognizes Corona and smiles at her when she passes by.  She is now eating rice cereal which we started when she was 4 1/2 months and she is still on 6oz of formula every 3-4 hours.  Her hair is growing so fast and I can't wait until I can put bows in her hair.  She is such a girly girl. 

Reflection ~ Four Months Old

I spent the afternoon organizing Sophia's clothes because she is growing so quickly.  She is not out of all 0-3 and most of 3 month.  She is growing up so quickly but I am loving every minute of it.

She loves to smile, talk as much as she can.  She loves her playmat or just laying down flat so she can kick her legs.  She still giggles only once and awhile and I am really looking forward to her doing it more often.  We just started putting her into her bouncy swing and her Baby Einstein jumper. She doesn't quite get it yet but still likes the change of scenary I think. 

This month we celebrated Sophia's first Christmas!  She was completely spoiled by both of our families and having her around makes the Holidays all that much better.  We visited Alexa on Christmas day and brought her a 1st Christmas ornament and her very own pink Christmas Tree.  It was tough around the Holiday thinking of our sweet angel but we made it through together.  Miss her everyday! xoxo

Alexa Lee..

Saying her name makes me feel sad.  Reading my blog makes me so happy that I wrote my feelings down at the time I was feeling them.  Seeing the necklace that spells her name hanging by the crib makes me smile.  Looking at the empty frame to the right of the crib, which was supposed to be filled with a picture of both our girls make me feel mad but I can't seem to fill the space.  Looking through her memory box that I can only get halfway through makes me upset. Laying down before I fall sleep not knowing how to talk to her, wondering if she is listening to me makes me feel a little lost.  Seeing one makes me think of the other. Saying her name out loud makes me remember all the hurt and sadness.  I need to find peace. 

I need to change the way I think, the way I talk to my daughter, the way I embrace the memories of Alexa and I need to say her name more often.  I need to remember her in a positive way.  Maybe if I force myself to talk about her more out loud and just not in my head I will learn to speak her name without fighting back tears. 

I need people to know its ok to talk about Alexa.  It's ok to ask questions even if your unsure if it will get me upset or not.  We need to embrace her life and I'm okay to share more of her story.  
 

For all the members of the Trisomy 18 foundation please know you can contact me to talk or I also make a great listener.  Message me at swaters2815@gmail.com or you can find my legacy page on the website.

Xoxoxo

Stephanie

Love in Every Tear

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me.
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come.
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever!

Author Unknown

Reflection ~ Three Months Old

Our princess Sophia is now 3 months.   She has developed so much in one month and I have let go a little as well.  She now sleeps in her own nursery in her crib and she sleeps throughout the night.  I put the sound machine on and I rock her to sleep each night.  To me its the best part of my day.

She smiles all the time, she communicates the best she can and just recently started to giggle.  We now prop her up so she is sitting up against the couch or by holding her hands and she can already hold her head up.  I think she likes the new view. :) 

She drools a lot and enjoys putting her fingers in her mouth at all times.  Recently she just learned she has a tongue and feet.  She will stick her tongue in and out and play around with it for awhile.  As for her feet, she just stares at them but I know soon enough she will be trying to grab them. 

She loves when Grammy Waters sings to her.  She likes to sing monkey's jumping on the bed to her.  Another favorite of hers is watching TV,  Daddy loves when she watches football with him and he swears she is his good-luck charm when it comes to fantasy football!

Enjoy the pictures below and thank you for following our story!

Love,

The Waters

First Thanksgiving

First Thanksgiving ~ Love the turkey butt

Helping cook the Turkey

First Christmas Picture

First Family Photo :)

First online cutest baby contest - Came in 2nd

First Santa picture with BFF Joshua!

Putting the star up with Daddy our our 1st Tree

Reflection ~ Two Months Old

Two months…

Sophia is such a wonderful baby and she brings so much joy to not only Bill and I but to our whole family.   I love watching my family and friends interact with her.  She has so many people around her to love her, teach her and of course to spoil her! 

I have started back to work after the 6 weeks and I miss my Sophia so much.  A big thank you to Aunty Katie, Great Aunty Laura and Grammy & Papa York for watching Sophia during the week while I am at work.  It makes the process of leaving her so much easier knowing that she is in such great hands.  I don’t know what I would do without you guys! XOXO

Sophia is 9.15lbs (20th percentile) and 22.5” in height (50th percentile).  She now turns her head when she hears your voice, she can follow moving objects with her eyes and the best part is that she will stare right into your eyes and give you the warmest smile.  A genuine smile, not just a gas smile.  She has started to tell a few short stories with her coo’s and every once and awhile she lets out a little giggle!  She loves her glow warm and the pictures hanging on the wall above the couch mesmerize her.  I swear she can stare at them all day.  Her eyes are still blue but day by day are starting to look more hazel.  She has not lost any hair yet but I am starting to notice more hair growing on top of her head.  It looks like it is going to be curly like her mom by the back of her head when it’s wet. 

Bill and I are truly enjoying parenthood and we can't wait to see what Sophia will do or learn next!

XOXO

First Trip to Burlington!!!

First visit to see her Godmother Heather & her Uncle David!

First time meeting her Future BFF, Joshua!

First Halloween!  Kenley ~ Sophia

"Mom, why did you stuff  me in a pumpkin?"

Entirely to many outfits for one Halloween :)

Family Trip to Salem!

Reflection ~ One Month Old

I can’t believe Sophia is one month old today.  We no doubt have had an emotional couple of weeks but I must say that this little baby girl makes me happier than I have ever been.  She makes me understand how powerful love and family truly our and I just feel very blessed to be her Mom. 

She is such a happy girl and can spend hours just staring at you.  She loves her swinging chair and will watch the stars and moons glow and twirl.  She has a love/hate relationship with her binky.  She still loves to have her hands free and most of the time they are by her face or she is trying to put them in her mouth!  When she is awake she will stretch her hands and feet constantly.  She is always moving.  She likes bath time, rides in the car and walks around the block with Corona and me.  Honestly, there is not much she doesn’t like.  She is a very good baby! She is now eating 2.5 ounces of formula every 2-3 hours and is taking to it pretty well other than she is quite gassy!  Like father like daughter I guess!

Mommy’s favorite time:  When she is just about to fall a sleep and she makes a huge ear-to-ear smile that just melts my heart.

Daddy’s favorite time: When he has alone time with her at night when Mommy tries to sleep.

Here are some photos of Sophia capturing the first month of her life:

~ Best day of my life ~

First smile caught on camera at 3:30am

Watching her first Red Sox Game with Aunty Chrissy

First time visiting her sister Alexa

Asking Uncle Mikey to be her Godfather

Asking Aunty Heather to be her Godmother

First time in her crib

Photo-shoot time

First time sucking my thumb

First car ride to the doctors

Photo-Shoot Time

First tubby

Memorial for our angel Alexa Lee

Today marks 3 weeks since the burial of Alexa.  The ceremony was held at Agawam cemetary with close family and friends and it makes me feel good knowing that our angel is buried right next to my Grandmother and my little sister Chloe and that she is not alone.  I was overwhelmed by everyone that attended and I am thankful to everyone for being there for us and to say their goodbye's to Alexa.  I know how difficult it was on everyone.  You have all been a part of this long journey and I appreciate all of the support.  I am very happy that we have a place to visit when we want to say hello and that there is a place to bring Sophia to see her sister.  I already talk to Sophia about Alexa and I always will. 

Bill, Sophia and I attended the 13th Annual Butterfly Release 2 weeks ago in New Bedford at Fort Tabor.  The Infant loss support group from St. Lukes puts it on each year.  We all gather at the community center and we are able to write a note to Alexa.  The organizer than will read everyone's letter off and then when she is finished we all release a butterfly.  Alexa's butterfly stayed around for a while before flying away.  Even when it flew away it stayed near us for a little while.  This was such a special event for Bill, Sophia and I to attend together.  It is great to have a day to celebrate our Angel as a family and I look forward to doing it every year.

I am still trying to find ways to deal with my grief.  Everyone keeps saying that it will get easier but it really has not yet for me.  I am so grateful and blessed for Sophia and I treasure every moment we have but that doesn't make up for the void I have in my heart.  I think about Alexa everyday and I miss her so much.  I am dealing with all the same emotions that I had after I received the news of her diagnosis and after we found out that she had passed all over again.  I am sad, then angry, then depressed.  I want my daughter to be here right by Sophia’s side.  I want to be feeding them both, changing them and giving them baths together.  I know that this must be a normal part of the grieving process or at-least I hope it is.  I have thought of attending the Infant loss support group at St. Lukes but I was told by a friend of mine that it would be best to join a Twin loss support group instead so I think that at this stage I may need to attend a group session.  I think it may be good for me.  Here are some pictures of the Annual Butterfly Release:

Our butterfly that didn't want to leave us!

~ Daddy and Sophia ~

~ Mommy and Sophia ~

Shirts will all of the children's names on the back.

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