Saying her name makes me feel sad. Reading my blog makes me so happy that I wrote my feelings down at the time I was feeling them. Seeing the necklace that spells her name hanging by the crib makes me smile. Looking at the empty frame to the right of the crib, which was supposed to be filled with a picture of both our girls make me feel mad but I can't seem to fill the space. Looking through her memory box that I can only get halfway through makes me upset. Laying down before I fall sleep not knowing how to talk to her, wondering if she is listening to me makes me feel a little lost. Seeing one makes me think of the other. Saying her name out loud makes me remember all the hurt and sadness. I need to find peace.
I need to change the way I think, the way I talk to my daughter, the way I embrace the memories of Alexa and I need to say her name more often. I need to remember her in a positive way. Maybe if I force myself to talk about her more out loud and just not in my head I will learn to speak her name without fighting back tears.
I need people to know its ok to talk about Alexa. It's ok to ask questions even if your unsure if it will get me upset or not. We need to embrace her life and I'm okay to share more of her story.
For all the members of the Trisomy 18 foundation please know you can contact me to talk or I also make a great listener. Message me at swaters2815@gmail.com or you can find my legacy page on the website.
Xoxoxo
Stephanie
Love in Every Tear
O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me.
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come.
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever!
You will always be to me.
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come.
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever!
Author Unknown
