Alexa Lee..

Saying her name makes me feel sad.  Reading my blog makes me so happy that I wrote my feelings down at the time I was feeling them.  Seeing the necklace that spells her name hanging by the crib makes me smile.  Looking at the empty frame to the right of the crib, which was supposed to be filled with a picture of both our girls make me feel mad but I can't seem to fill the space.  Looking through her memory box that I can only get halfway through makes me upset. Laying down before I fall sleep not knowing how to talk to her, wondering if she is listening to me makes me feel a little lost.  Seeing one makes me think of the other. Saying her name out loud makes me remember all the hurt and sadness.  I need to find peace. 

I need to change the way I think, the way I talk to my daughter, the way I embrace the memories of Alexa and I need to say her name more often.  I need to remember her in a positive way.  Maybe if I force myself to talk about her more out loud and just not in my head I will learn to speak her name without fighting back tears. 

I need people to know its ok to talk about Alexa.  It's ok to ask questions even if your unsure if it will get me upset or not.  We need to embrace her life and I'm okay to share more of her story.  
 

For all the members of the Trisomy 18 foundation please know you can contact me to talk or I also make a great listener.  Message me at swaters2815@gmail.com or you can find my legacy page on the website.

Xoxoxo

Stephanie

Love in Every Tear

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me.
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come.
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother,
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never--
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever!

Author Unknown

Reflection ~ Three Months Old

Our princess Sophia is now 3 months.   She has developed so much in one month and I have let go a little as well.  She now sleeps in her own nursery in her crib and she sleeps throughout the night.  I put the sound machine on and I rock her to sleep each night.  To me its the best part of my day.

She smiles all the time, she communicates the best she can and just recently started to giggle.  We now prop her up so she is sitting up against the couch or by holding her hands and she can already hold her head up.  I think she likes the new view. :) 

She drools a lot and enjoys putting her fingers in her mouth at all times.  Recently she just learned she has a tongue and feet.  She will stick her tongue in and out and play around with it for awhile.  As for her feet, she just stares at them but I know soon enough she will be trying to grab them. 

She loves when Grammy Waters sings to her.  She likes to sing monkey's jumping on the bed to her.  Another favorite of hers is watching TV,  Daddy loves when she watches football with him and he swears she is his good-luck charm when it comes to fantasy football!

Enjoy the pictures below and thank you for following our story!

Love,

The Waters

First Thanksgiving

First Thanksgiving ~ Love the turkey butt

Helping cook the Turkey

First Christmas Picture

First Family Photo :)

First online cutest baby contest - Came in 2nd

First Santa picture with BFF Joshua!

Putting the star up with Daddy our our 1st Tree

Reflection ~ Two Months Old

Two months…

Sophia is such a wonderful baby and she brings so much joy to not only Bill and I but to our whole family.   I love watching my family and friends interact with her.  She has so many people around her to love her, teach her and of course to spoil her! 

I have started back to work after the 6 weeks and I miss my Sophia so much.  A big thank you to Aunty Katie, Great Aunty Laura and Grammy & Papa York for watching Sophia during the week while I am at work.  It makes the process of leaving her so much easier knowing that she is in such great hands.  I don’t know what I would do without you guys! XOXO

Sophia is 9.15lbs (20th percentile) and 22.5” in height (50th percentile).  She now turns her head when she hears your voice, she can follow moving objects with her eyes and the best part is that she will stare right into your eyes and give you the warmest smile.  A genuine smile, not just a gas smile.  She has started to tell a few short stories with her coo’s and every once and awhile she lets out a little giggle!  She loves her glow warm and the pictures hanging on the wall above the couch mesmerize her.  I swear she can stare at them all day.  Her eyes are still blue but day by day are starting to look more hazel.  She has not lost any hair yet but I am starting to notice more hair growing on top of her head.  It looks like it is going to be curly like her mom by the back of her head when it’s wet. 

Bill and I are truly enjoying parenthood and we can't wait to see what Sophia will do or learn next!

XOXO

First Trip to Burlington!!!

First visit to see her Godmother Heather & her Uncle David!

First time meeting her Future BFF, Joshua!

First Halloween!  Kenley ~ Sophia

"Mom, why did you stuff  me in a pumpkin?"

Entirely to many outfits for one Halloween :)

Family Trip to Salem!

Reflection ~ One Month Old

I can’t believe Sophia is one month old today.  We no doubt have had an emotional couple of weeks but I must say that this little baby girl makes me happier than I have ever been.  She makes me understand how powerful love and family truly our and I just feel very blessed to be her Mom. 

She is such a happy girl and can spend hours just staring at you.  She loves her swinging chair and will watch the stars and moons glow and twirl.  She has a love/hate relationship with her binky.  She still loves to have her hands free and most of the time they are by her face or she is trying to put them in her mouth!  When she is awake she will stretch her hands and feet constantly.  She is always moving.  She likes bath time, rides in the car and walks around the block with Corona and me.  Honestly, there is not much she doesn’t like.  She is a very good baby! She is now eating 2.5 ounces of formula every 2-3 hours and is taking to it pretty well other than she is quite gassy!  Like father like daughter I guess!

Mommy’s favorite time:  When she is just about to fall a sleep and she makes a huge ear-to-ear smile that just melts my heart.

Daddy’s favorite time: When he has alone time with her at night when Mommy tries to sleep.

Here are some photos of Sophia capturing the first month of her life:

~ Best day of my life ~

First smile caught on camera at 3:30am

Watching her first Red Sox Game with Aunty Chrissy

First time visiting her sister Alexa

Asking Uncle Mikey to be her Godfather

Asking Aunty Heather to be her Godmother

First time in her crib

Photo-shoot time

First time sucking my thumb

First car ride to the doctors

Photo-Shoot Time

First tubby

Memorial for our angel Alexa Lee

Today marks 3 weeks since the burial of Alexa.  The ceremony was held at Agawam cemetary with close family and friends and it makes me feel good knowing that our angel is buried right next to my Grandmother and my little sister Chloe and that she is not alone.  I was overwhelmed by everyone that attended and I am thankful to everyone for being there for us and to say their goodbye's to Alexa.  I know how difficult it was on everyone.  You have all been a part of this long journey and I appreciate all of the support.  I am very happy that we have a place to visit when we want to say hello and that there is a place to bring Sophia to see her sister.  I already talk to Sophia about Alexa and I always will. 

Bill, Sophia and I attended the 13th Annual Butterfly Release 2 weeks ago in New Bedford at Fort Tabor.  The Infant loss support group from St. Lukes puts it on each year.  We all gather at the community center and we are able to write a note to Alexa.  The organizer than will read everyone's letter off and then when she is finished we all release a butterfly.  Alexa's butterfly stayed around for a while before flying away.  Even when it flew away it stayed near us for a little while.  This was such a special event for Bill, Sophia and I to attend together.  It is great to have a day to celebrate our Angel as a family and I look forward to doing it every year.

I am still trying to find ways to deal with my grief.  Everyone keeps saying that it will get easier but it really has not yet for me.  I am so grateful and blessed for Sophia and I treasure every moment we have but that doesn't make up for the void I have in my heart.  I think about Alexa everyday and I miss her so much.  I am dealing with all the same emotions that I had after I received the news of her diagnosis and after we found out that she had passed all over again.  I am sad, then angry, then depressed.  I want my daughter to be here right by Sophia’s side.  I want to be feeding them both, changing them and giving them baths together.  I know that this must be a normal part of the grieving process or at-least I hope it is.  I have thought of attending the Infant loss support group at St. Lukes but I was told by a friend of mine that it would be best to join a Twin loss support group instead so I think that at this stage I may need to attend a group session.  I think it may be good for me.  Here are some pictures of the Annual Butterfly Release:

Our butterfly that didn't want to leave us!

~ Daddy and Sophia ~

~ Mommy and Sophia ~

Shirts will all of the children's names on the back.

Add caption

Labor and Delivery

We had a scheduled induction on Wednesday, September 7th at 8:00pm at Women & Infants.  I was only 36 weeks but an amnio showed that Sophia's lungs were mature so given our circumstance we were able to deliver early.  I had a mix of emotions going on at the same time.  I was so happy that this pregnancy is coming to an end and that I get to meet my girls but then again I now have to face the reality of Alexa's diagnosis and her passing.  So much joy and so much sadness and I was not sure how I was going to handle everything.

We were admitted to the high-risk floor where my friend Heather is an RN.  It was so nice to have her there.  She assigned the best nurse to take care of us and she checked in on us throughout the night.  I was hooked up to the IV and around 11pm the doctor came in and inserted the foley balloon and the cervadil.  I was already having contractions but they were about 15 minutes apart.  Throughout the night I did not sleep and my contractions starting coming 5-7 minutes apart and were more painful as the night went on.  The foley came out around 4am and doctors came in around 6am.  I was only 2-3 cetimeters dialated so they chose to keep the cervadil in for the full 12 hours.  They gave me morphine so I could try to sleep but my contractions were intensifying and now were every couple of minutes and were much more painful.  I was grasping on to the bedrails each time and was unable to sleep.

I was sent down to Labor and Delivery at 11am.  We were put into a large corner room and my contractions continued to increase in pain and thankfully for my mother she coached me through them.  I had to pick a focal point and breathe through each contraction.  They started the pitocin and I only got a few drops before the Doctor made the call for me to get an epidural.  She wanted me to get it early so we could up the pitocin in case we needed it.  The epidural was more painful then I thought that I was very happy when it kicked in because I couldn't feel the contractions any longer.

After the epidural we had a little episode because Sophia was moving so much that the nurses had a very hard time finding her heartbeat.  The nurse had to call in some back up and I was getting very nervous that something had happened.  My blood pressure rose and I started to feel dizzy and like I was going to faint.  They put my head back and gave me oxygen.  My mom tried to calm me down and then finally they found her heartbeat so we new she was ok.  I was just so nervous that I was loosing Sophia and I just could not handle that.  I panicked.  The doctors came into check me after the epi and I was now 9 centimeters!! OMG!  Thank God the doctor requested the epidural or I wouldn’t of had one.  She did an ultrasound to make sure Sophia was still head down in first position and of course within 24 hours they have moved and now Alexa was back in first position and Sophia was transverse.

My doctor looked at me with disappointment in her eyes and told me that I would need a c-section.  I was so upset.  I have been in Labor now for almost 20 hours and in hard labor for a couple of hours and I was ready to go.  All of the doctors came in and talked and they finally said that they could deliver Alexa vaginally and hope that Sophia would drop the correct way.  We would deliver in the operating room just in case we needed an emergency c-section.  I was so happy to hear this and prayed that Sophia would cooperate.

Bill and my mom got all dressed up in the scrubs from head to toe and before I knew it I was getting pushed down the hallway into the operating room.  It was bright, white, cold and filled with nurses and doctors.  It was organized chaos and everyone there had a job.  I was getting very nervous knowing that I was minutes away from seeing Alexa but I just tried to stay calm and listen to the doctor.  When it was time to push I think I pushed 2 or 3 times before she was born, it was very quick.  The nurses quickly took her out of sight and all I saw was a small little purple body and I started to cry.  As I turned to look, Bill with tears in his eyes, told me not to look.  I knew that it was best not to see Alexa until Sophia was born because me getting all upset would not be beneficial to me or Sophia.  I pulled myself together and listened to the doctor tell me that Sophia did drop and he could feel her head but my cervix closed to about 7 or 8 centimeters which is common with multiples.  I was pushed back to my original labor room and was put on the pitocin.  About an hour later I was ready to go and I gave it all I had and pushed about 10-12 times and Sophia was born.  Immediately she was put on my chest and it was the best feeling in the whole world.  My baby was here, in my arms and is healthy and beautiful.  I cried instantly and I couldn’t stop.  I was so incredibly happy.  I held her for a while and then I wanted the nurses to take her and make sure she was healthy and everything was ok.   They assured me she was and they gave her back to me…  5lbs, 14oz and 19" of perfection!

Now the time to hold my Alexa was here.  As much as I have waited for this moment to hold my little girl, I was so scared.  Scared to see what this awful syndrome has done to her, scared to face this awful reality.  I knew that my expectation of what she would look like was not realistic.  I asked my mother to bring her to me and as soon as I saw her I broke down.  My heart was broken and I couldn't believe that this was my daughter.  That this was the path that God created for her.  I just love her so much and I want her to be alive and healthy.  At one point I had to give her back to my mom because I just couldn’t handle my emotions.  After a few minutes I asked for her back because I was not done hugging and praying for her.  I felt like a bad mom because it was just so hard for me to look at her.  Now almost 3 weeks later I can picture her face like I stared at it for hours.  She is our forever angel.

After I collected myself we invited our family up from the waiting room.  My Dad, Aunt Laura, Aunt Debbie and Bill’s mom all came up to meet Sophia.  It was such a happy time and everyone was so excited to meet her!  She was so alert and was staring into everyone's eyes.  After a little while they went into a separate room and each had some special time with Alexa.  The priest at the hospital came in after and blessed both girls as my mom held Alexa.  It was beautiful and I was so happy that we decided to do it.  It was special to have our families there with us.

I delivered my two twin daughters on Thursday, September 8th and with the help of my family and the help of pray, we made it through the most exciting and the saddest day of our lives.  Sophia is my perfect little baby and I can just stare at her every minute.  Alexa is our angel that we will never forget and she will always have a special place in my heart, my first born baby girl. xoxo

Bill and I holding both of our girls ~ Sophia Rose & Alexa Lee

Our precious angel Alexa Lee...

Yesterday our little baby girl Alexa grew her wings.  She has surrendered to God and is now watching over us from heaven.  She held on for 35 weeks and fought for her sister Sophia.   We are so sad that we will not be able to meet our precious girl but we have to take comfort in knowing she is in a safe place.  My Grandmother Teresa, my little sister Chloe, Bills Papa Bill and Nana Eleanor greeted her with open arms and they all are smiling down on us.  They will keep her safe and she will live out her life while watching us from above. 

My prayers may not have been answered for I will never be able to meet Alexa and she will never be able to take a breath of air on earth but that does not make her my daughter any less.   She will always be a part of our lives and I love her with all of my heart.   

I don’t think I will ever fully understand why God takes children away but I have to think that maybe Alexa was never mine to keep.  She was here to help Sophia survive and to teach us a lesson on how powerful love and prayer really is.  I could never have stayed strong if it was not for the support that I received from all of my family and friends.  I could never have stayed strong if it was not the faith that I put into God and I never would have learned how much of an impact one baby can have on ones heart.  She amazed me and against all odds she survived and carried her sister and me through to the end.

It was 15 weeks ago that we received confirmation that Alexa has Trisomy 18.   This was one of the worst days of our life.  This pregnancy has been so tough for us all and Bill and I just want to thank you all for being there for us.  The fight for Alexa is over and she is now happy and healthy up in heaven.

She will forever be a part of our lives and we will never forget our beautiful angel that touched our lives in so many ways.

 

Time is flying by...

~ August 26, 2011 ~    I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by.  I can remember January 26^th like it was yesterday.  Not only because it is my wonderful mother in laws Birthday but also because we received the best news of our lives.  We were PREGNANT!!!   Now we are 34 weeks and almost to the finish line.  The past couple of weeks or so have been a little rough.  From contracting for 15 hours every 3 minutes, losing my "plug", going to the triage two days in a row and getting hit with the “pregnancy hormones” from hell!!!  It has been an adjustment for me.  I feel like I have lost control over my body and my emotions.  As most of you know, I kinda like to be in control, maybe sometimes to much, but being 34 weeks pregnant and not having a say in when or where I will go into labor and not being able to control my emotions to get through a darn commercial or sitcom without crying my eyes out is driving me nuts.  Everyone says this is normal and it happens to everyone towards the end of the pregnancy so I will just have to deal with it. :)      

Being in the triage last Monday and the nurse telling me that I needed to be hooked up to an IV because they couldn't give me anything to eat or drink "just in case" we need to have a c-section today, freaked Bill and I out!  We did not have our game plan or our bags packed.  Needless to say we are more ready now seeing that these girls can pretty much come whenever they choose.  Our bags are packed and in the trunk, camera and video camera are charged and thanks to my dear friend Heather our bed is protected in case my water breaks! LOL At our doctor’s appointment this week we had a non-stress test and an ultrasound.   Sophia is 5.2lbs!!  YAH! She made it over the 5lb mark, which we are very happy about.  Alexa is still having a hard time gaining weight.  She is now 3lbs smaller than Sophia and is 2.2lbs.  She is so tiny.  Alexa is still breech and she has been this way since the beginning so we will be having a c-section.  We will schedule this at my appointment next Tuesday afternoon.  I have mixed feelings about a c-section but regardless it will be easier on the girls than a natural delivery so I am sure I will manage.    

The non-stress test went well.  The doctor’s order is to only monitor Sophia so I sit in a recliner while they hook up the monitor to hear Sophia’s heartbeat and another to monitor any contractions.  Anytime I feel Sophia move I push a button.  I feel like I am pushing that button every second.  Sophia is so active and is moving all the time.  Its amazing and also painful sometimes depending on where she is kicking and punching.  The test is very simple and takes about 20-30 minutes.  I now have to get this done twice a week until they are delivered.    

We did not get any pictures of the girls this week, so I thought I would share some pictures of my enormous belly instead!