Our precious angel Alexa Lee...

Yesterday our little baby girl Alexa grew her wings.  She has surrendered to God and is now watching over us from heaven.  She held on for 35 weeks and fought for her sister Sophia.   We are so sad that we will not be able to meet our precious girl but we have to take comfort in knowing she is in a safe place.  My Grandmother Teresa, my little sister Chloe, Bills Papa Bill and Nana Eleanor greeted her with open arms and they all are smiling down on us.  They will keep her safe and she will live out her life while watching us from above. 

My prayers may not have been answered for I will never be able to meet Alexa and she will never be able to take a breath of air on earth but that does not make her my daughter any less.   She will always be a part of our lives and I love her with all of my heart.   

I don’t think I will ever fully understand why God takes children away but I have to think that maybe Alexa was never mine to keep.  She was here to help Sophia survive and to teach us a lesson on how powerful love and prayer really is.  I could never have stayed strong if it was not for the support that I received from all of my family and friends.  I could never have stayed strong if it was not the faith that I put into God and I never would have learned how much of an impact one baby can have on ones heart.  She amazed me and against all odds she survived and carried her sister and me through to the end.

It was 15 weeks ago that we received confirmation that Alexa has Trisomy 18.   This was one of the worst days of our life.  This pregnancy has been so tough for us all and Bill and I just want to thank you all for being there for us.  The fight for Alexa is over and she is now happy and healthy up in heaven.

She will forever be a part of our lives and we will never forget our beautiful angel that touched our lives in so many ways.

 

Time is flying by...

~ August 26, 2011 ~    I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by.  I can remember January 26^th like it was yesterday.  Not only because it is my wonderful mother in laws Birthday but also because we received the best news of our lives.  We were PREGNANT!!!   Now we are 34 weeks and almost to the finish line.  The past couple of weeks or so have been a little rough.  From contracting for 15 hours every 3 minutes, losing my "plug", going to the triage two days in a row and getting hit with the “pregnancy hormones” from hell!!!  It has been an adjustment for me.  I feel like I have lost control over my body and my emotions.  As most of you know, I kinda like to be in control, maybe sometimes to much, but being 34 weeks pregnant and not having a say in when or where I will go into labor and not being able to control my emotions to get through a darn commercial or sitcom without crying my eyes out is driving me nuts.  Everyone says this is normal and it happens to everyone towards the end of the pregnancy so I will just have to deal with it. :)      

Being in the triage last Monday and the nurse telling me that I needed to be hooked up to an IV because they couldn't give me anything to eat or drink "just in case" we need to have a c-section today, freaked Bill and I out!  We did not have our game plan or our bags packed.  Needless to say we are more ready now seeing that these girls can pretty much come whenever they choose.  Our bags are packed and in the trunk, camera and video camera are charged and thanks to my dear friend Heather our bed is protected in case my water breaks! LOL At our doctor’s appointment this week we had a non-stress test and an ultrasound.   Sophia is 5.2lbs!!  YAH! She made it over the 5lb mark, which we are very happy about.  Alexa is still having a hard time gaining weight.  She is now 3lbs smaller than Sophia and is 2.2lbs.  She is so tiny.  Alexa is still breech and she has been this way since the beginning so we will be having a c-section.  We will schedule this at my appointment next Tuesday afternoon.  I have mixed feelings about a c-section but regardless it will be easier on the girls than a natural delivery so I am sure I will manage.    

The non-stress test went well.  The doctor’s order is to only monitor Sophia so I sit in a recliner while they hook up the monitor to hear Sophia’s heartbeat and another to monitor any contractions.  Anytime I feel Sophia move I push a button.  I feel like I am pushing that button every second.  Sophia is so active and is moving all the time.  Its amazing and also painful sometimes depending on where she is kicking and punching.  The test is very simple and takes about 20-30 minutes.  I now have to get this done twice a week until they are delivered.    

We did not get any pictures of the girls this week, so I thought I would share some pictures of my enormous belly instead!    

Reality Check - Week 31

Our appointment yesterday was another harsh reality check.  In between appointments, which is about 3 weeks, I push myself to have this positive outlook on Alexa’s health.  Even with a break down here and there, for the most part I try to just be happy that she is still with us and that we do have a healthy baby girl Sophia who is growing and healthy.  Then I get to the doctors appointment and they reassure me that things are not ok with Alexa and they are never going to be.  I pray everyday that she will make it through labor and that I will be able to meet her if only for a little while but Alexa is never going to call me mommy, she is never going to get in fights with Sophia over what color sippy cup she gets or which book they want me to read them at night.  Every appointment is a harsh reality of what we are really dealing with and it breaks me each and every time.  I love both of my girls more than words can say and  I can’t help but sometimes even be mad at myself for not being able to help Alexa.  I am helpless.

Since our last appointment, Alexa has only gained 6oz.  Now she weighs 1lb, 11oz.  This really caught me off guard because we were expecting at least a full pound like last time but I guess I have to remember that every little bit of growth is good and that she is still being a fighter.  I just fear that in a couple weeks when we go back, she may even gain less.  The only thing Bill and I ask is that we get a chance to meet Alexa, hear her cry, meet her eye to eye and even have her tiny fingers wrap around ours.  These are the only memories we are asking for and I feel with every appointment that we have, these chances are getting slimmer and slimmer.  If she does not continue to grow then it will be just that much harder for her to survive, even if it is for only an hour, a day or maybe even a few days which would be the best blessing we could hope for.  I just want Billy, Sophia, Alexa and I to be together as a family for the most amount of time that is possible. 

Sophia is my saving grace.. She is growing so beautiful and she is such an active baby.  She stretches and kicks all the time and my stomach now looks like the Indian Ocean with all the waves she creates. Yesterday she weighed in a 3.14lbs which is a complete 1lb growth since our last appointment.  The doctor said this is perfect and she is in the 54.1 percentile.  If it was not for Sophia I really don’t know how I could go on fighting.  We all talk about who she is going to look like and how her personality is going to be.  I can’t wait to snuggle her and to love her every minute of everyday! I will never take her for granted and I will always embrace the story of her sister Alexa.  I will share the story of how Alexa stayed so strong for her and the bond that I can already see forming just through a simple ultrasound.

A few weeks ago I had some maternity photo’s done by my cousin Amy and my favorite one is captured below.   If you notice to the left of me you see Sophia and Alexa’s pink elephants.  My parents got them these elephants on mothers day.  The day we find out Alexa was sick, I was having trouble sleeping and Bill brought me in the elephant so I can sleep with it.  This is Alexa’s elephant and I told Bill, that as long as Alexa is holding on, I will hold on.  I have slept with this elephant since day one and when the time comes to finally say our goodbyes to our angel Alexa, this elephant will go with her and keep her company while she is sleeping.  

I love both my baby girls!