Reality Check - Week 31

Our appointment yesterday was another harsh reality check.  In between appointments, which is about 3 weeks, I push myself to have this positive outlook on Alexa’s health.  Even with a break down here and there, for the most part I try to just be happy that she is still with us and that we do have a healthy baby girl Sophia who is growing and healthy.  Then I get to the doctors appointment and they reassure me that things are not ok with Alexa and they are never going to be.  I pray everyday that she will make it through labor and that I will be able to meet her if only for a little while but Alexa is never going to call me mommy, she is never going to get in fights with Sophia over what color sippy cup she gets or which book they want me to read them at night.  Every appointment is a harsh reality of what we are really dealing with and it breaks me each and every time.  I love both of my girls more than words can say and  I can’t help but sometimes even be mad at myself for not being able to help Alexa.  I am helpless.

Since our last appointment, Alexa has only gained 6oz.  Now she weighs 1lb, 11oz.  This really caught me off guard because we were expecting at least a full pound like last time but I guess I have to remember that every little bit of growth is good and that she is still being a fighter.  I just fear that in a couple weeks when we go back, she may even gain less.  The only thing Bill and I ask is that we get a chance to meet Alexa, hear her cry, meet her eye to eye and even have her tiny fingers wrap around ours.  These are the only memories we are asking for and I feel with every appointment that we have, these chances are getting slimmer and slimmer.  If she does not continue to grow then it will be just that much harder for her to survive, even if it is for only an hour, a day or maybe even a few days which would be the best blessing we could hope for.  I just want Billy, Sophia, Alexa and I to be together as a family for the most amount of time that is possible. 

Sophia is my saving grace.. She is growing so beautiful and she is such an active baby.  She stretches and kicks all the time and my stomach now looks like the Indian Ocean with all the waves she creates. Yesterday she weighed in a 3.14lbs which is a complete 1lb growth since our last appointment.  The doctor said this is perfect and she is in the 54.1 percentile.  If it was not for Sophia I really don’t know how I could go on fighting.  We all talk about who she is going to look like and how her personality is going to be.  I can’t wait to snuggle her and to love her every minute of everyday! I will never take her for granted and I will always embrace the story of her sister Alexa.  I will share the story of how Alexa stayed so strong for her and the bond that I can already see forming just through a simple ultrasound.

A few weeks ago I had some maternity photo’s done by my cousin Amy and my favorite one is captured below.   If you notice to the left of me you see Sophia and Alexa’s pink elephants.  My parents got them these elephants on mothers day.  The day we find out Alexa was sick, I was having trouble sleeping and Bill brought me in the elephant so I can sleep with it.  This is Alexa’s elephant and I told Bill, that as long as Alexa is holding on, I will hold on.  I have slept with this elephant since day one and when the time comes to finally say our goodbyes to our angel Alexa, this elephant will go with her and keep her company while she is sleeping.  

I love both my baby girls!