Reflection ~ One Month Old

I can’t believe Sophia is one month old today.  We no doubt have had an emotional couple of weeks but I must say that this little baby girl makes me happier than I have ever been.  She makes me understand how powerful love and family truly our and I just feel very blessed to be her Mom. 

She is such a happy girl and can spend hours just staring at you.  She loves her swinging chair and will watch the stars and moons glow and twirl.  She has a love/hate relationship with her binky.  She still loves to have her hands free and most of the time they are by her face or she is trying to put them in her mouth!  When she is awake she will stretch her hands and feet constantly.  She is always moving.  She likes bath time, rides in the car and walks around the block with Corona and me.  Honestly, there is not much she doesn’t like.  She is a very good baby! She is now eating 2.5 ounces of formula every 2-3 hours and is taking to it pretty well other than she is quite gassy!  Like father like daughter I guess!

Mommy’s favorite time:  When she is just about to fall a sleep and she makes a huge ear-to-ear smile that just melts my heart.

Daddy’s favorite time: When he has alone time with her at night when Mommy tries to sleep.

Here are some photos of Sophia capturing the first month of her life:

~ Best day of my life ~

First smile caught on camera at 3:30am

Watching her first Red Sox Game with Aunty Chrissy

First time visiting her sister Alexa

Asking Uncle Mikey to be her Godfather

Asking Aunty Heather to be her Godmother

First time in her crib

Photo-shoot time

First time sucking my thumb

First car ride to the doctors

Photo-Shoot Time

First tubby

Memorial for our angel Alexa Lee

Today marks 3 weeks since the burial of Alexa.  The ceremony was held at Agawam cemetary with close family and friends and it makes me feel good knowing that our angel is buried right next to my Grandmother and my little sister Chloe and that she is not alone.  I was overwhelmed by everyone that attended and I am thankful to everyone for being there for us and to say their goodbye's to Alexa.  I know how difficult it was on everyone.  You have all been a part of this long journey and I appreciate all of the support.  I am very happy that we have a place to visit when we want to say hello and that there is a place to bring Sophia to see her sister.  I already talk to Sophia about Alexa and I always will. 

Bill, Sophia and I attended the 13th Annual Butterfly Release 2 weeks ago in New Bedford at Fort Tabor.  The Infant loss support group from St. Lukes puts it on each year.  We all gather at the community center and we are able to write a note to Alexa.  The organizer than will read everyone's letter off and then when she is finished we all release a butterfly.  Alexa's butterfly stayed around for a while before flying away.  Even when it flew away it stayed near us for a little while.  This was such a special event for Bill, Sophia and I to attend together.  It is great to have a day to celebrate our Angel as a family and I look forward to doing it every year.

I am still trying to find ways to deal with my grief.  Everyone keeps saying that it will get easier but it really has not yet for me.  I am so grateful and blessed for Sophia and I treasure every moment we have but that doesn't make up for the void I have in my heart.  I think about Alexa everyday and I miss her so much.  I am dealing with all the same emotions that I had after I received the news of her diagnosis and after we found out that she had passed all over again.  I am sad, then angry, then depressed.  I want my daughter to be here right by Sophia’s side.  I want to be feeding them both, changing them and giving them baths together.  I know that this must be a normal part of the grieving process or at-least I hope it is.  I have thought of attending the Infant loss support group at St. Lukes but I was told by a friend of mine that it would be best to join a Twin loss support group instead so I think that at this stage I may need to attend a group session.  I think it may be good for me.  Here are some pictures of the Annual Butterfly Release:

Our butterfly that didn't want to leave us!

~ Daddy and Sophia ~

~ Mommy and Sophia ~

Shirts will all of the children's names on the back.

Add caption

Labor and Delivery

We had a scheduled induction on Wednesday, September 7th at 8:00pm at Women & Infants.  I was only 36 weeks but an amnio showed that Sophia's lungs were mature so given our circumstance we were able to deliver early.  I had a mix of emotions going on at the same time.  I was so happy that this pregnancy is coming to an end and that I get to meet my girls but then again I now have to face the reality of Alexa's diagnosis and her passing.  So much joy and so much sadness and I was not sure how I was going to handle everything.

We were admitted to the high-risk floor where my friend Heather is an RN.  It was so nice to have her there.  She assigned the best nurse to take care of us and she checked in on us throughout the night.  I was hooked up to the IV and around 11pm the doctor came in and inserted the foley balloon and the cervadil.  I was already having contractions but they were about 15 minutes apart.  Throughout the night I did not sleep and my contractions starting coming 5-7 minutes apart and were more painful as the night went on.  The foley came out around 4am and doctors came in around 6am.  I was only 2-3 cetimeters dialated so they chose to keep the cervadil in for the full 12 hours.  They gave me morphine so I could try to sleep but my contractions were intensifying and now were every couple of minutes and were much more painful.  I was grasping on to the bedrails each time and was unable to sleep.

I was sent down to Labor and Delivery at 11am.  We were put into a large corner room and my contractions continued to increase in pain and thankfully for my mother she coached me through them.  I had to pick a focal point and breathe through each contraction.  They started the pitocin and I only got a few drops before the Doctor made the call for me to get an epidural.  She wanted me to get it early so we could up the pitocin in case we needed it.  The epidural was more painful then I thought that I was very happy when it kicked in because I couldn't feel the contractions any longer.

After the epidural we had a little episode because Sophia was moving so much that the nurses had a very hard time finding her heartbeat.  The nurse had to call in some back up and I was getting very nervous that something had happened.  My blood pressure rose and I started to feel dizzy and like I was going to faint.  They put my head back and gave me oxygen.  My mom tried to calm me down and then finally they found her heartbeat so we new she was ok.  I was just so nervous that I was loosing Sophia and I just could not handle that.  I panicked.  The doctors came into check me after the epi and I was now 9 centimeters!! OMG!  Thank God the doctor requested the epidural or I wouldn’t of had one.  She did an ultrasound to make sure Sophia was still head down in first position and of course within 24 hours they have moved and now Alexa was back in first position and Sophia was transverse.

My doctor looked at me with disappointment in her eyes and told me that I would need a c-section.  I was so upset.  I have been in Labor now for almost 20 hours and in hard labor for a couple of hours and I was ready to go.  All of the doctors came in and talked and they finally said that they could deliver Alexa vaginally and hope that Sophia would drop the correct way.  We would deliver in the operating room just in case we needed an emergency c-section.  I was so happy to hear this and prayed that Sophia would cooperate.

Bill and my mom got all dressed up in the scrubs from head to toe and before I knew it I was getting pushed down the hallway into the operating room.  It was bright, white, cold and filled with nurses and doctors.  It was organized chaos and everyone there had a job.  I was getting very nervous knowing that I was minutes away from seeing Alexa but I just tried to stay calm and listen to the doctor.  When it was time to push I think I pushed 2 or 3 times before she was born, it was very quick.  The nurses quickly took her out of sight and all I saw was a small little purple body and I started to cry.  As I turned to look, Bill with tears in his eyes, told me not to look.  I knew that it was best not to see Alexa until Sophia was born because me getting all upset would not be beneficial to me or Sophia.  I pulled myself together and listened to the doctor tell me that Sophia did drop and he could feel her head but my cervix closed to about 7 or 8 centimeters which is common with multiples.  I was pushed back to my original labor room and was put on the pitocin.  About an hour later I was ready to go and I gave it all I had and pushed about 10-12 times and Sophia was born.  Immediately she was put on my chest and it was the best feeling in the whole world.  My baby was here, in my arms and is healthy and beautiful.  I cried instantly and I couldn’t stop.  I was so incredibly happy.  I held her for a while and then I wanted the nurses to take her and make sure she was healthy and everything was ok.   They assured me she was and they gave her back to me…  5lbs, 14oz and 19" of perfection!

Now the time to hold my Alexa was here.  As much as I have waited for this moment to hold my little girl, I was so scared.  Scared to see what this awful syndrome has done to her, scared to face this awful reality.  I knew that my expectation of what she would look like was not realistic.  I asked my mother to bring her to me and as soon as I saw her I broke down.  My heart was broken and I couldn't believe that this was my daughter.  That this was the path that God created for her.  I just love her so much and I want her to be alive and healthy.  At one point I had to give her back to my mom because I just couldn’t handle my emotions.  After a few minutes I asked for her back because I was not done hugging and praying for her.  I felt like a bad mom because it was just so hard for me to look at her.  Now almost 3 weeks later I can picture her face like I stared at it for hours.  She is our forever angel.

After I collected myself we invited our family up from the waiting room.  My Dad, Aunt Laura, Aunt Debbie and Bill’s mom all came up to meet Sophia.  It was such a happy time and everyone was so excited to meet her!  She was so alert and was staring into everyone's eyes.  After a little while they went into a separate room and each had some special time with Alexa.  The priest at the hospital came in after and blessed both girls as my mom held Alexa.  It was beautiful and I was so happy that we decided to do it.  It was special to have our families there with us.

I delivered my two twin daughters on Thursday, September 8th and with the help of my family and the help of pray, we made it through the most exciting and the saddest day of our lives.  Sophia is my perfect little baby and I can just stare at her every minute.  Alexa is our angel that we will never forget and she will always have a special place in my heart, my first born baby girl. xoxo

Bill and I holding both of our girls ~ Sophia Rose & Alexa Lee

Our precious angel Alexa Lee...

Yesterday our little baby girl Alexa grew her wings.  She has surrendered to God and is now watching over us from heaven.  She held on for 35 weeks and fought for her sister Sophia.   We are so sad that we will not be able to meet our precious girl but we have to take comfort in knowing she is in a safe place.  My Grandmother Teresa, my little sister Chloe, Bills Papa Bill and Nana Eleanor greeted her with open arms and they all are smiling down on us.  They will keep her safe and she will live out her life while watching us from above. 

My prayers may not have been answered for I will never be able to meet Alexa and she will never be able to take a breath of air on earth but that does not make her my daughter any less.   She will always be a part of our lives and I love her with all of my heart.   

I don’t think I will ever fully understand why God takes children away but I have to think that maybe Alexa was never mine to keep.  She was here to help Sophia survive and to teach us a lesson on how powerful love and prayer really is.  I could never have stayed strong if it was not for the support that I received from all of my family and friends.  I could never have stayed strong if it was not the faith that I put into God and I never would have learned how much of an impact one baby can have on ones heart.  She amazed me and against all odds she survived and carried her sister and me through to the end.

It was 15 weeks ago that we received confirmation that Alexa has Trisomy 18.   This was one of the worst days of our life.  This pregnancy has been so tough for us all and Bill and I just want to thank you all for being there for us.  The fight for Alexa is over and she is now happy and healthy up in heaven.

She will forever be a part of our lives and we will never forget our beautiful angel that touched our lives in so many ways.

 

Time is flying by...

~ August 26, 2011 ~    I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by.  I can remember January 26^th like it was yesterday.  Not only because it is my wonderful mother in laws Birthday but also because we received the best news of our lives.  We were PREGNANT!!!   Now we are 34 weeks and almost to the finish line.  The past couple of weeks or so have been a little rough.  From contracting for 15 hours every 3 minutes, losing my "plug", going to the triage two days in a row and getting hit with the “pregnancy hormones” from hell!!!  It has been an adjustment for me.  I feel like I have lost control over my body and my emotions.  As most of you know, I kinda like to be in control, maybe sometimes to much, but being 34 weeks pregnant and not having a say in when or where I will go into labor and not being able to control my emotions to get through a darn commercial or sitcom without crying my eyes out is driving me nuts.  Everyone says this is normal and it happens to everyone towards the end of the pregnancy so I will just have to deal with it. :)      

Being in the triage last Monday and the nurse telling me that I needed to be hooked up to an IV because they couldn't give me anything to eat or drink "just in case" we need to have a c-section today, freaked Bill and I out!  We did not have our game plan or our bags packed.  Needless to say we are more ready now seeing that these girls can pretty much come whenever they choose.  Our bags are packed and in the trunk, camera and video camera are charged and thanks to my dear friend Heather our bed is protected in case my water breaks! LOL At our doctor’s appointment this week we had a non-stress test and an ultrasound.   Sophia is 5.2lbs!!  YAH! She made it over the 5lb mark, which we are very happy about.  Alexa is still having a hard time gaining weight.  She is now 3lbs smaller than Sophia and is 2.2lbs.  She is so tiny.  Alexa is still breech and she has been this way since the beginning so we will be having a c-section.  We will schedule this at my appointment next Tuesday afternoon.  I have mixed feelings about a c-section but regardless it will be easier on the girls than a natural delivery so I am sure I will manage.    

The non-stress test went well.  The doctor’s order is to only monitor Sophia so I sit in a recliner while they hook up the monitor to hear Sophia’s heartbeat and another to monitor any contractions.  Anytime I feel Sophia move I push a button.  I feel like I am pushing that button every second.  Sophia is so active and is moving all the time.  Its amazing and also painful sometimes depending on where she is kicking and punching.  The test is very simple and takes about 20-30 minutes.  I now have to get this done twice a week until they are delivered.    

We did not get any pictures of the girls this week, so I thought I would share some pictures of my enormous belly instead!    

Reality Check - Week 31

Our appointment yesterday was another harsh reality check.  In between appointments, which is about 3 weeks, I push myself to have this positive outlook on Alexa’s health.  Even with a break down here and there, for the most part I try to just be happy that she is still with us and that we do have a healthy baby girl Sophia who is growing and healthy.  Then I get to the doctors appointment and they reassure me that things are not ok with Alexa and they are never going to be.  I pray everyday that she will make it through labor and that I will be able to meet her if only for a little while but Alexa is never going to call me mommy, she is never going to get in fights with Sophia over what color sippy cup she gets or which book they want me to read them at night.  Every appointment is a harsh reality of what we are really dealing with and it breaks me each and every time.  I love both of my girls more than words can say and  I can’t help but sometimes even be mad at myself for not being able to help Alexa.  I am helpless.

Since our last appointment, Alexa has only gained 6oz.  Now she weighs 1lb, 11oz.  This really caught me off guard because we were expecting at least a full pound like last time but I guess I have to remember that every little bit of growth is good and that she is still being a fighter.  I just fear that in a couple weeks when we go back, she may even gain less.  The only thing Bill and I ask is that we get a chance to meet Alexa, hear her cry, meet her eye to eye and even have her tiny fingers wrap around ours.  These are the only memories we are asking for and I feel with every appointment that we have, these chances are getting slimmer and slimmer.  If she does not continue to grow then it will be just that much harder for her to survive, even if it is for only an hour, a day or maybe even a few days which would be the best blessing we could hope for.  I just want Billy, Sophia, Alexa and I to be together as a family for the most amount of time that is possible. 

Sophia is my saving grace.. She is growing so beautiful and she is such an active baby.  She stretches and kicks all the time and my stomach now looks like the Indian Ocean with all the waves she creates. Yesterday she weighed in a 3.14lbs which is a complete 1lb growth since our last appointment.  The doctor said this is perfect and she is in the 54.1 percentile.  If it was not for Sophia I really don’t know how I could go on fighting.  We all talk about who she is going to look like and how her personality is going to be.  I can’t wait to snuggle her and to love her every minute of everyday! I will never take her for granted and I will always embrace the story of her sister Alexa.  I will share the story of how Alexa stayed so strong for her and the bond that I can already see forming just through a simple ultrasound.

A few weeks ago I had some maternity photo’s done by my cousin Amy and my favorite one is captured below.   If you notice to the left of me you see Sophia and Alexa’s pink elephants.  My parents got them these elephants on mothers day.  The day we find out Alexa was sick, I was having trouble sleeping and Bill brought me in the elephant so I can sleep with it.  This is Alexa’s elephant and I told Bill, that as long as Alexa is holding on, I will hold on.  I have slept with this elephant since day one and when the time comes to finally say our goodbyes to our angel Alexa, this elephant will go with her and keep her company while she is sleeping.  

I love both my baby girls!

  

 

Burlington Baby Shower...

Three words: Beautiful, Pink and Loved.   

These are the 3 words that come to mind when I think about our shower this past Sunday.   Pink decorated cupcakes centered each table with special baggies of Hersey kisses reading “Stephanie’s Baby Shower”, handmade white chocolate baby face pop’s wrapped in a cute little onsie with a photo frame and a bottle of lotion as favors.  So many games to play and beautiful balloons with precious ceramic baby booties as weights. So many people there to celebrate Sophia and Alexa.. Billy and I felt very special to be surrounded by everyone!

Down to every detail I have to thank my mother-in-law Kathy, my sister-in-law Chrissy and Carly for all their time spent and the details they put into this shower.  Bill and I were blown away by everything the minute we reached the doorway.  I think pink is everyone’s favorite color now!

The day was perfect, the breakfast buffet was delicious and the gifts overflowed.  We thank everyone for coming and sharing our special day with us.  We received so many amazing & unexpected presents for our girls including our stroller, red flyer wagon, Red Sox diaper cake, our bassinet, a portable DVD player for car rides, all the classic Disney DVD’s with matching story books, the most beautiful toy box that matches the nursery perfectly, a hand knit red sox sweater that is so adorable and so much more! I can’t list them all because we were definitely spoiled by everyone and words can not explain how thankful we are to have such an amazing family.  I for one feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be married into such a wonderful family.

Thank you all so much!

Love,
Stephanie